You know what I'm talking about. You waltz into the Halloween "Boo-tique" thinking you might just find the perfect costume. And just like last year, your options are the scantily clad Indian princess, the cleavage-for-all Lady Liberty, and the slutty nun in fishnet stockings. Every costume requires washboard abs, D-size cups, and no inhibitions. Unfortunately, most of us have washboard abs under an inconvenient fat roll that somehow popped up after that first kid came along, and if we ever did have a well-endowed bust, it traveled south with that same kid... or just with age.
So you approach your only source of help: "Excuse me, Mr. Seasonal-Halloween-Store-Worker-with-the-Black-Eyeliner-and-Strange-Hair, would you direct me to the frumpy mom costume aisle?"
Per usual, such aisle does not exist. So those of us upon whom the Playboy gods did not bestow their blessing resort to the usual home-made costume. Cue options: a large trash bag with aluminum cans glued to it, a giant plastic gift sack with a bow strategically placed over our least favorite bodily feature, or a a giant sheet with holes for eyes. Do you also sense a no-figure-is-necessary trend?
Let's not leave this train of thought feeling sour, though. You may have to witness your annoying co-worker looking hotter than Carmen Electra in an itsy bitsy Santa's Slutty Helper costume, but ladies.... time is on our side. Because no woman's body has ever resisted the battle against gravity. And while Naughty Nurse is fighting a losing battle, you and I are gorging ourselves on delectable Halloween treats!
