If you're like me, you have tried to achieve a spectacular golden tan at some point in your life. I've worshipped the sun, I've sweat it out in the tanning salon, I've slathered on the self-tanner, and I've been straight up painted from head to toe with spray-on tanner. Maybe I became older and wiser, but I finally decided the non-skin cancer options were preferable to the UVA / UVB tanning methods. And then I became a self-proclaimed responsible adult who realized there's not much time to achieve any kind of tan when you're changing your kid's diapers, wearing dried scrambled eggs that said kid refused during breakfast, and reading Good Night, Moon fourteen times per day.
So what's a girl to do who wants a little golden glow? Buy some shimmery lotion that promises a radiant glow. That's what! You know, the stuff that has little reflective specs in it, so you can shine, shine, shine like the stars? You have to apply lotion routinely, anyway, so why not channel your inner Eva Longoria and add some extra golden glitter to your day?
I'll tell you why not. Because if you're as desperately in need of a tan as I am, you're probably a pale white person like I am. And if your skin alone can blind people when the sun reflects off it, then your skin, IN ADDITION to shimmery, shiny lotion, could cause permanent vision loss. It's like an exponential reflective effect. If you ask me, they should be required to put a warning label on these super-shiny, glittery lotions: "Not for white people." But since no warning label exists, let me serve as your warning label.
I'm not proud that I've made mistakes, but if my mistakes can be made more meaningful by saving someone from making the same mistake, then I'll take the fall. In the meantime, to anyone who witnessed me in all my glowing white glory, all I can say is, "I'm sorry I burned your retina."
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